Inward Journey

Resentments - Episode 39

• Kevin Bergin • Season 1 • Episode 39

Share episode

We would love to hear from you. Tell us about what you liked and why or just say hello - J&K

See us on Instagram @ https://www.instagram.com/inwardjourneypod
Now on Youtubey as well - https://shorturl.at/hZ146
Amazon https://amzn.asia/d/ipTQCiP

Jeannene:

Hello and welcome to the podcast. You're here with Janine

Kevin:

and Kevin,

Jeannene:

and we're making this recording today on Wanjuriland. We'd just like to acknowledge elders past and present and those emerging.

Kevin:

Yeah, done. That's that done. What are we talking about today?

Jeannene:

Today we're talking about resentment.

Kevin:

Okay, that's plenty of scope there.

Jeannene:

Do you think

Kevin:

so? Well, I don't know. Hasn't everybody got resentments? I don't know. That's a bit general, isn't it? It

Jeannene:

is a bit.

Kevin:

Yeah. I think

Jeannene:

resentment is something that many people do have and probably don't recognize.

Kevin:

So for me, I think I need to define that. Resentment is something that I carry around. It's not like, Oh, I'm angry at that bird because it landed on the fence and obscured my view. It's, it's something that happened that I carry around and perhaps over time. It gets exaggerated and gathers more power, is that fair enough?

Jeannene:

Oh, I like the way you said that. Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

Resentment's got to do with anger. And the interesting thing, I love talking about resentment because it's the thing that we can have power over because it's the thing that we do to ourselves.

Kevin:

Yeah, so it's all internal,

Jeannene:

unless we

Kevin:

make it external,

Jeannene:

in which

Kevin:

it becomes not a resentment, then.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

You reckon we've defined it?

Kevin:

I think the whole thing's about defining it, really, is. Isn't it a bit?

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

So that's what we're going to talk about today and welcome and hope you find us interesting. I once got told by a psychic, you're really resentful and it's ruining your relationship and that relationship is going to end.

Kevin:

Oh. Well,

Jeannene:

I thought I know more about resentment than you do. And I know that resentment is something I do to myself. So I went back and did some work on myself and you know what? The relationship didn't end.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

Eat that.

Kevin:

I don't have any

Jeannene:

resentment.

Kevin:

That's a

Jeannene:

lie. Well, I'm happy to explore them and we can talk about, Oh, actually I don't have any resentment.

Kevin:

Oh, there you go. We're done. We're talking about something else. Sure. Yeah, well, no, I do. The, the, the ones close by, like now or the recent past, I deal with, I think, and it's going round and round in my head. And so I verbalise it somehow.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

And then I decide whether or not I need to do anything about it, or if that's enough. But the ones from the past, which could be a year ago. Given my age, could be a long time, could be many decades ago. They're more difficult because they feel like they're part of me. And sometimes they're buried.

Jeannene:

Okay.

Kevin:

You know, so there's like underneath that layer of denial is something.

Jeannene:

So do you actually think you've got some resentments that you're still carrying around with you, Kevin?

Kevin:

No, but there might be.

Jeannene:

Oh yeah, that's true.

Kevin:

Given what I just said.

Jeannene:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kevin:

But if they are, they're buried deep, deep, deep.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

But I have experience, like working with you, of discovering. Discovering that your mum gave you up to be sexually abused every week. Yeah. Whatever it was. Brings up a lot of pain and anger and resentment.

Jeannene:

Okay.

Kevin:

In fact, it created more resentment. Yeah. Which I had to deal with. And yeah. Is

Jeannene:

it resentment then or is it mistrust and, um, is it more around an anger? Anger towards mum in that

Kevin:

way? That's why I started off saying, yeah, anger is not resentment. No, they're different things. But you're right. It would be anger at first, but if I didn't, didn't do something about it, then it becomes resentment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because it does what you talked about, which is it plays in inside of me.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

And, um, and he gathers power and it becomes unreal as well. So a friend of mine being rude to me and I don't say anything about it. Five years down the track when I'm still thinking about that time that they were rude to me Might be colossal by then. It might be that they ran me over with a truck Didn't bother to stop and say sorry

Jeannene:

Can catastrophize in our mind actually, yeah Yeah, let me tell you about the way I see resentment I Can think of some clear examples. I think as I've been a mother and One of the things is, you know, bringing up children and particularly going through those teenage years, if those people who've got teenagers might be able to relate to this, is that teenagers make a mess. They don't clean up after themselves, they leave their cereal bowl on the table where they have eaten or half eaten or whatever they want, they don't really care, it's irrelevant. Anyway, so they leave a mess. And so, mother or parent goes to say to them, can you clean that up? And I think about times when I've asked our daughters, can, can you clean that up, please? That needs to be cleaned up before you go and do this. That needs to be clean. Can you clean that up? And if I don't continue to ask and they're still doing the thing where they're learning to listen to you and value and respect adults or carers and those sorts of things. So teenagers, you know, typically don't listen well. Anyway. If I then go and clean up their mess,

Kevin:

then

Jeannene:

I can resent them. And that can get in the relationship. And I feel like parents can often do that. I can think of those parents who've come to see me with adult children. And what they have done is they've given resources, money, cars, Whatever they've got available to their children have really given them so much and been quite generous with that, but then resent them. And what I have said to parents in those situations, and I can think of a couple of families that come to mind, I've said to the parents, It's very difficult to say no to our children, isn't it? And often the parents can want the children to pick up and and not ask for things But I think as parents we can set ourselves up when we say yes Or when we clean up after them or we give them so much and then resent them That's something we do to ourselves. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

Kevin:

It makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. And I'm thinking, it sounds like there's different kinds of resentments

Jeannene:

maybe, because

Kevin:

that makes sense and I can recognize that.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

And relate to I know, the teenage thing.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

And giving to our children as opposed to having limits.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah. Maybe it all has the same birthplace resentments. It's like. Something that we set up, something that I set up. Yeah.

Jeannene:

And also the thing is, I want to be treated in a particular way. And if the person doesn't treat me in that particular way, I'm going to resent them. Yeah. You can see that?

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah. And also I think I'll take back the example about mine when that was anger.

Jeannene:

Yeah, that was a good example just to kind of make that distinction, Kevin.

Kevin:

Yeah. So yeah, it's not. But. Kevin. What?

Jeannene:

Closer to home, have you ever resented me? Whoo!

Kevin:

Yeah, heaps. What a silly question. She changed the appointment again. That'd be a favourite.

Jeannene:

Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't

Kevin:

matter, she changed the appointment. I'm not going anymore. Bugger it. I think I'll just send her a message and tell her to sod off.

Jeannene:

Nice.

Kevin:

Well, not nice, but yeah, so that's a resentment. Exactly what I was saying. That's only resentment. As long as I carry it around inside of me.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

But when I come back and see you and say, I was really pissed off that this happened. It stops it. It's not a resentment any longer.

Jeannene:

If, if I bother to work through it with you and talk with you about it. Maybe not. Okay.

Kevin:

You could just say, Oh, really? Oh, it's just changing the appointment.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

So then it's up to me to work through it.

Jeannene:

Yeah. And you could, you could still keep the resentment if you wanted to. I could choose

Kevin:

to do that, but, Mmm, yeah, I could.

Jeannene:

Yeah, so what I find is that a lot of couples that come to counseling and a lot of couples in life will resent each other. Because of the choices they've made to look after the other person or sacrifice for the other person. And they're not doing it for a choice about that person matters. They're doing it because they feel they have to. And so it's that have to or should that matter. Pushes them to feel resentful and then it's that resentment that actually sits in the relationship and it's like a cancer. It's a really nasty. It's

Kevin:

toxic. Absolutely. Very toxic. Resentments are toxic.

Jeannene:

Yep. And if you don't look after yourself to resolve some of that or work through it with your partner or with yourself in particular, then the risk is that that relationship is going to, it's going to suffer for that.

Kevin:

I've just remembered a very simple definition of resentments.

Jeannene:

Okay. Resentment

Kevin:

is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the other person to die. Not going to happen. Ha ha ha. Oh. Because it's all internal.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

That's what you said earlier. Resentment hurts us.

Jeannene:

Yeah, it does.

Kevin:

Not anybody else.

Jeannene:

Yeah. Yeah. And so I remember at a particular time and with our eldest daughter and And I recognized I was starting to get quite resentful of her because there was mess lying around. I'm not, it's

Kevin:

not me. It's not me.

Jeannene:

It was when she was in her teenage years. And then I realized I needed to do something different because it was causing this rift within our relationship. And that, you know, that push pull that's really uncomfortable. And I knew that as a parent, I'm in charge of the dynamics and changing it. I mean, she was always going to have some growing years, and that's true of our teenagers. And I'm really grateful that I made some shifts earlier on to realize that if I was going to clean up around her, I'd make a choice to clean up and I let it go. Or I don't clean up and I come back to her and I'm going, I've already asked this of you a couple of times. It needs to be done. And then let her work through her feelings, whatever they are. Yeah. Yeah. And, and maybe they have a tantrum in a teenage way, whatever they do, that's okay. And recognize as a parent, I want to be a grown up and let her manage her feelings rather than me managing and sit with a resentment that will affect our relationship.

Kevin:

I can remember a friend telling me a couple of times. I think Chloe was a teenager at the time, so I would have been talking to them about that. Said that, look, I'll just leave them to it. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, the bedroom is a problem always. It's just, it's just like a, a huge dump of everything. Clothes and plates and.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

And I said, okay. He said, I'll just walk past and close the door. It's no longer part of the house. That's okay and yet not okay.

Jeannene:

Well, again, it's a very individual thing. So I wouldn't. like to be diagnostic around what you need to do or what you should do. But particularly in this podcast, Kevin, we always come back to us. Mm, what can you control? What are, oh yeah. What are the things that you do? Yeah, in terms internally, what's going to keep you well, what's going to look after the relationship of the future? Those things are the most important things to me. So you got over your resentment of me?

Kevin:

Well, yeah, because we talked about it. I was trying to think of some more recent resentments, and, um, I'm, I, I kind of have one that pops up occasionally.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

I can't quite define it. It's like I'm putting much more into this relationship, you know, and that goes bouncing through my head for a while and then I go, actually, in terms of the podcast, actually, what do I do? I do this and Janine does nearly all of the editing and you know, we do it in her house and on and on and on and on, so singing and then it goes.

Jeannene:

I like that because what you had a thought. and you challenge the thought. And I think what happens is we can not assess the thoughts or listen to them and therefore they can build up and be unrealistic or irrational. Yeah. And that's the risky stuff. I too can do the same thing. I, I can think of some choices that we make around caring for our children. And I know that Greg and I make some great sacrifices around that. That's one way of looking at it, great sacrifices. But when I think about it, I might say normal sacrifices because we're not missing out in life. We do some other things for ourselves that. We are grateful for and we look after ourselves and if we're doing that, then the sacrifices we make feel good. appropriate and well and our choice.

Kevin:

Yeah, it's back to that. Depends on how you look at it. It can be, as you say, a choice that you made or it can be you're setting yourself up for a resentment.

Jeannene:

Yeah, yeah. And I'm, I once got told by a psychic, you're really resentful and it's ruining your relationship and that relationship's going to end. Oh,

Kevin:

cool. Well, they got that wrong, didn't they?

Jeannene:

Well, I thought, I know more about resentment than you do. And I know that resentment is something I do to myself. So I went back and did some work on myself. And you know what? The relationship didn't end.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

Eat that.

Kevin:

So.

Jeannene:

Yes.

Kevin:

Have you got any resentments about me?

Jeannene:

That's a good question.

Kevin:

Well, you asked me the same question. Yeah, I know.

Jeannene:

I think I can do the same thing around the podcast too. I can think, well, I do all the editing and I feed us, and I think that I can not be, or I can be less aware of the things that you do, or I choose not to look at the things that you do to publish our podcast. And so that can leave me to thinking. And feelings of resentment, but I don't want to do that. And so I keep coming back to, this is your choice Janine, this is what you want, what do you want?

Kevin:

Yep.

Jeannene:

And that looks after me.

Kevin:

And I sort of let the editing, I remember when that happened, I let the editing go as a choice. Because I kept saying, I'll do that, and I'll do that. One day we were sitting here after a podcast and I said, no, no, I'll do that this time and you said, no, I like to do it. I'm fussy and I don't know if I will, something like I'm fussy and I like to do that or I need to do that.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

So yeah, so I let it go.

Jeannene:

Yeah. So that's good because in that way it was, I guess it was that tricky conversation between you and I. Where we established that it was okay with the, the pieces we did and didn't do.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

And I think that's true of all relationships, just. That extra can be a bit of a confronting conversation, but a conversation where we go, Oh, what are you, what are you doing towards this? And what am I doing? And, oh, okay, tell me more. And it's that conversation that can really settle the work you're putting into anything. And, and I think that's true of any, colleagues that are working together, any family members that are doing things together.

Kevin:

In terms of time, you probably do put more in than I do, unless something goes wrong with, around the publishing.

Jeannene:

Yeah, I would still say that it's my choice. Yeah. But you acknowledging that, That to me now is a good feeling. It recognises what I do and it's not putting me down and so I just go, yeah, I like this. And I

Kevin:

listen to it afterwards and occasionally change something, we'll discuss it with you. But mostly no, I take your advice. I remember how that all started, I just remember it, because I loved getting rid of all of that. And our software package that we use allow you, would allow you to do that in one fell swoop. And after a couple of podcasts, you said, don't do that. It's great. Look at this great feature. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I've worked it out. It gets rid of all of them. Yeah. I said, yes. Well, that's not appropriate. Always.

Jeannene:

Yeah. Cause sometimes it's that pondering in our conversations that I actually really want the listeners to hear.

Kevin:

Yep. And yeah. I remember that clearly. Okay. Well, I'll leave her to do it then. That

Jeannene:

sounded a little bit resentful.

Kevin:

It was. Yeah, but I've, I've watched you do what you do. And, oh, it actually works.

Jeannene:

Thanks for that.

Kevin:

Yeah. I was really enjoying it. Get rid of all of them. And I was just about to move on. It also has a feature where it'll get rid of spaces that it thinks shouldn't be there. And then it'll rearrange other things as well. Oh, I love it. Don't need to do any of

Jeannene:

that. It's been a work in progress as we've been learning to do this, but I think that's, that's a working of us together. And I think that that's an example of any working relationship, I think.

Kevin:

Yeah. I've got another resentment. Me? Yeah, possibly. Oh,

Jeannene:

okay.

Kevin:

Go for it. You're about to go and do something that I really want to go and do.

Jeannene:

So people, I've been invited with a friend to go to Kenya and I'm really excited about it. I'll be going at the end of this week. And, and it was just an incredible opportunity. I couldn't say no to and didn't want to, and I'm grateful for. And so I'm going to Kenya for three weeks and I'm going to go on some safaris. And I've got no idea what that's like, never been to Kenya before, haven't done a lot of overseas trips, particularly in that part of the world. And. Yeah, go on with your story, Kevin.

Kevin:

Well, that's it really. I just want to go. I've got a list of places I want to go. So the safari would be good. I wouldn't mind where it was in the world, but obviously Africa is the obvious. And I want to walk from Kathmandu up to Base Camp in Everest. I want to go to New York.

Jeannene:

Yep.

Kevin:

And drive from New York to, Las Vegas to LA to Florida down to Mexico City then down to Peru and go trekking in the Andes.

Jeannene:

This is very specific people.

Kevin:

Yeah, it is.

Jeannene:

They're actually great goals,

Kevin:

Kevin.

Jeannene:

Yeah. And a few

Kevin:

more like that. Those are the big ones.

Jeannene:

You haven't got the money to do that at the

Kevin:

moment. No.

Jeannene:

But you've still got the goals.

Kevin:

Yeah. Is that okay?

Jeannene:

That sounds great.

Kevin:

It's a bit silly, isn't it?

Jeannene:

No, I just think it's the essence of life. Sometimes we need those goals to, to prompt us to do more. Look ahead, even if sometimes they're fantasy. I just think that they're really

Kevin:

You're not going to get

Jeannene:

a resentment

Kevin:

It's not

Jeannene:

a fantasy

Kevin:

I

Jeannene:

hate that Okay Let's go back to the original resentment. What are you going to do with that to look after yourself? I'm going overseas and you're not

Kevin:

Well, I'm just going to stay here And I'll hope you have a good time and I'll just Smouldering resentment. I don't know. Look, I'm really happy that you're going.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

But, you know, that, it's a little resentment.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Well, I think talking about it here today is probably enough because if I don't then what happens with that resentment is it

Jeannene:

builds.

Kevin:

Very, well, it will build but very specific that inner voice that I have that will grab hold of it like a broom handle and start bashing me on the head with it. Yeah. And I'll just be like I'll sit here and I'll go. And then later on it'll be, you're just a useless twit, that's why you're not going. And then it'll be, why did you ever think you were going to do any of these things, just go and sit in the corner like you did when you were a kid? And it just goes on and on and on. And that's what happens with, for me, that's what happens with resentments. That's what, that's the kind of thing they do to me. And I've been very polite here today. They're often a lot worse than

Jeannene:

that. Yeah, I was thinking they can be really nasty. I've heard some of those. Yes, I know,

Kevin:

yeah. So, but that's. The nature of resentments, they're toxic, and so when I think about them and talk about them It's usually in that poisonous way,

Jeannene:

but I like that you're listening to them. And this conversation is around listening in that inner listening because it's the thoughts that actually build to catastrophe. And then they become alive and it's almost like they send out feelers to the rest of your body of this. Kind of evil anger that it sits between a relationship

Kevin:

and I think you're right and I think it can get worse than that It was a conversation we had before we started this podcast links into that. It's like you said puts out the feelers It's all I think it does. I think it attracts people Who are gonna tell you that that's how to be.

Jeannene:

Yeah, I think so. Or

Kevin:

is that right? Maybe it's the other way around. I I'm attracted to people who Have the same sort of toxicity level.

Jeannene:

Yeah, okay. When

Kevin:

I'm in that resentment mode Yeah, maybe it's both.

Jeannene:

They're attracted to you and you're attracted to them because I think

Kevin:

both. We

Jeannene:

need to, you need to kind of collude and sit in that resentment together.

Kevin:

And I'd also, yeah, yeah, that's right. I'd also like to say that I don't know if this is true, but I have the thought that For me, recognizing that I've got a resentment and not doing something about it is a death sentence. And I mean that, literally. So if I don't do it, then I'll end up sitting in a corner, like, and if I still don't do something about it, You know, at 73 years old, I'll probably end up with a needle in my arm eventually. That might take a long time to happen.

Jeannene:

But

Kevin:

in that period when I know about it, and I'm not doing anything about it, I live in misery. So, I think that's probably, there's probably a line here between us, and a line between addicts and people who aren't addicts, in that it's not so dangerous for other people.

Jeannene:

I think it can be very dangerous. It just sits differently. And it possibly doesn't have the death sentence the way you described it, the kind of needle, but it definitely has the death of a relationship or the separation of a relationship. And I think a lot of relationships end that way, that they're not listening to themselves verbalizing those resentment that build. Yep. And that's the risky stuff because I just think they Like you described they can be very toxic and that's the thing that kills relationship. I can think of When I look on Facebook and again, I may have used this example before and I think it's a common one But there's a group of people that I can see having a wonderful time overseas at the moment and regardless of what's happening for me I can look at the pictures and go Damn people. Look at what they're doing. They didn't ask me. Yep. Why aren't I going? Why didn't they ask me? Am I not good enough? I'm not good enough? They don't think I'm good enough. You didn't invite me to Kenya. How dare they? I didn't invite Greg. No. I'm going with my girlfriend. Oh yeah, you can join with it, collude, there we go, and Asher, Asher's not going.

Kevin:

Okay, well we get really toxic, mix it up a bit.

Jeannene:

It's true, that's how it works.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

And you'll notice I've got some good things going on for me, but I can equally get really messed up by looking at something and creating an image in my mind of what's happening for other people.

Kevin:

That's a great example. Yeah. Because it doesn't have anything except. Hey, why not me? Why not me? Yeah. So there's nothing else. Yeah. It's just there. And I love, I love the fact that you're going. I can do this. Why not me? And I've got loads of really good things going on. Yeah.

Jeannene:

And it dismisses the good things. And it's really, it, it doesn't allow for that softness and that gratefulness and for you to just take on and notice the good things that are happening in your life, the things that you're achieving, even if they're the The softness of, uh, the settledness of a relationship where you go and have a cuppa with someone, or you give someone flowers, or you do something for them, a call that you see how they're going, those sorts of things.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

And turn up with some potatoes, because you had extra. All those, all those lovely things that are meaningful. In life.

Kevin:

Yeah, those things don't often work out.

Jeannene:

Yeah. In my games group, I turn up with mint, because a couple of the people there love cooking with mint. And I have extra growing in my garden, and I'm telling this honestly people, I get more out of it. Well, I don't know that, but I get a lot out of it giving that. Yeah. And taking the mint and giving it to the people. And they're so grateful and they go, Oh Janine, I know you'd turn up with your mint when you had it. And, and there's this lovely exchange. I feel so good about myself. Yep. Um. They're really good things to do.

Kevin:

Yep, they are.

Jeannene:

Oh, I'll just put on silent

Kevin:

there. Hang on while Janine turns off the ding.

Jeannene:

Did you? Is it recording?

Kevin:

Yeah. I told you that I was starting. You could delete this later

Jeannene:

on. I resent that.

Kevin:

There you go.

Jeannene:

So before we had a break, you were talking about If someone, I can't remember what it was, but it was something about when someone doesn't agree with you. And I was thinking, I

Kevin:

think that was between us to do with the podcast.

Jeannene:

Yeah. But yeah. And it made me think about, it's easy to resent someone if they don't agree with you. And I just think what a waste. of energy because people aren't going to agree with you and you actually don't necessarily want them to. I know we all think that our view is the right one. So have that view. Have your right view if that's what you like. Good on all of us except don't be worried or don't be concerned if someone has a different opinion. They can have a different opinion. It's a good thing. It might be a hard thing. But it means that we've got individuals, and I think it's a risk if we want other people to agree with us, and therefore that brings harmony. Because what a waste trying to resent someone because they don't take on your opinion. If they don't listen to you, that's a bit different. You'd like people to listen to, we'd all like, I'd like people to listen to me. But if they don't, then I might choose to walk away and that looks after the relationship.

Kevin:

What? You're talking about you want people to listening to you. And people are listening to you.

Jeannene:

Well, we don't know. They can turn off if they want to.

Kevin:

We just looked at the stats before we started. They weren't great, but you

Jeannene:

know.

Kevin:

It comes and goes, I guess.

Jeannene:

And I'm not worried about it. Yeah,

Kevin:

I am.

Jeannene:

I'm not

Kevin:

worried. I have a different opinion to you about what, that we should do something about it. You don't

Jeannene:

have my opinion?

Kevin:

No, definitely not.

Jeannene:

Why? What's the matter? What's the matter with you? Well, I'm not

Kevin:

forcing anything on anyone, so

Jeannene:

None of it really matters, so much as we share it, and if we have a different opinion, we have it. My point is Yes, point. If someone doesn't share your opinion, do your best not to resent them.

Kevin:

It can be difficult though. Thank you. So look, I was telling you about the conversation I had with a friend to do with age.

Jeannene:

Ah, yes.

Kevin:

And I had included her in our general age range and she smiled and said, our age? I'm 64 and you're 73. And that's okay. That's, that's her bit, her bit, and my bit, but my bit gets complicated around age, because You know, somewhere around 69 or 70, I find myself surrounded with, Oh, you're too old. Oh, you can't do that at your age. Oh, even, even when people are being nice, Oh, would you like a seat, you know, when you're on a public transport or something? Yeah, I would, but now I'm really pissed off that you've asked me. Or, and I carry that for you. That happens a lot, actually.

Jeannene:

Particularly for women, that happens for me. As a woman, they'll just go, Oh, can I pick that up for you? Can I move the chair for you? And I just think I throw myself up and around a pole. Yeah. I'm upside down. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't need you to carry that. But again, my answer to that yeah. Can be really spiky and resentful. What do you mean And, and I don't wanna do that either.'cause that's still,

Kevin:

well, I'm struggling with that. That affecting, yeah, the age thing. And I do get really spiky about it sometimes.

Jeannene:

Ooh. I know. I, I can risk being spiky too, and I do not wanna be, and

Kevin:

the, and the. The downside, well there's only downside, is I, I, I, I, well that's not to do with me, it's got to do with all this ageist stuff all around me, particularly authority wise.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah, and, but it's not, it's to do with me. That, whatever's out there is out there. I make a choice about whether or not to believe that that's so, and act on that, or not.

Jeannene:

I think, One of the things that has helped me around that, because when someone asks me, do you want a hand with that? Or do you want a seat there? Or can I carry your bag for you? Or that sort of thing. I think of one of my daughters in particular, when they were in their late twenties, early twenties traveling on the train. And Our middle daughter has arthritis and at that stage was suffering significantly and would be standing in a train, a crowded train, and be in incredible pain, but found it very difficult to sit in the chairs for disability and she didn't know how to ask for it because she looks really well. Beautiful, strong, radiant. young person, and you wouldn't think there's anything wrong with her, but in significant pain throughout her body. And at times she's been hospitalized for the pain because she hasn't taken meds and has needed more than what over the counter can offer. And then I think about that had anybody asked or recognized her, um, or had she asked to sit down there and, and again, the way some people might look at her. And so I want to be grateful for any offers that I have, because there are those people who look well and can be in significant pain. So, um, I know age has been a painful thing for you, less so for me, but I guess my Achilles heel has been being a woman and people trying to look after me because I'm a woman and that's seen as somehow frail.

Kevin:

But my, my, my resentful self says, yeah, but you're much younger than me.

Jeannene:

That's what I meant around my story with my daughter and my mind goes to there and I just go. Be grateful, Janine, for any offer of care, because you don't know when you may need it. And

Kevin:

that's true.

Jeannene:

And also, I want to be grateful because there's a person who's got the strength and offers care and support. And I do

Kevin:

when somebody offers to help, I do want to. Take the help, but I don't want them to ask.

Jeannene:

You're putting them in a bind.

Kevin:

I am. I'm putting myself in a bind too. I just realized talking about this, talking about things is really good. I'm quite scared of getting older sometimes. Not all the time.

Jeannene:

Yeah,

Kevin:

and it's like, you know, I'd be much better off if I was a millionaire. But I wouldn't be. I mean, I'd just be a millionaire, that's all. So, yeah. There is like, um, time marches on and there isn't anything I can do about it except, you know, just be in the moment, just live my life. That's it, really.

Jeannene:

It is.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Simple, simple. Yeah.

Jeannene:

And there's lots of things in the moment to be grateful for, don't you think?

Kevin:

There are. And the only person I haven't got resentful about in terms of age It was my daughter. She only did it once, but she said, just once, you know, I can't remember what we were talking about, but she said, you know, you could always come and live over here. And I said, Oh, great. You'd have both of your parents living either in the house or nearby. And she said,

Jeannene:

Oh,

Kevin:

I think it would be okay if you lived nearby. And I thought about it afterwards, and I said to her, no, you know,

Jeannene:

but no.

Kevin:

And it was a really nice thing for

Jeannene:

her to

Kevin:

say. Yeah.

Jeannene:

Yeah. I like that, that you turned that around. And I think that that's, that's a good thing to be able to do when someone offers you something, is to turn it around as, this could be a good thing, she wants me near.

Kevin:

I think I've got a male thing too. I've just got this image of a guy, He's not young, but I guess he's somewhere between 50 and 60. I've known him a long time. And I was carrying something, it was after a meeting, and I was carrying something concietly. And he walked up behind me and went, Hey, I'll grab that, Kevin. And I let it, but I wanted to say, I can manage this, you know, I can do this. All sorts of things happen to me.

Jeannene:

Oh, I've done too much of that in my younger days. There's no way I'm doing that. I would be such the martyr of doing things for myself. And then I got told, Oh, you're a martyr, Janine, and you get on and you do. And I thought, Ooh, that's a level of independence and I'm better than you. And I'm more than you. And yet, uh, a picture of resentment that I did not want. So I think after that, I really learned to ask for help, I hope. And yet I, I want to go out and achieve a lot and do a lot of things, but I definitely want to. I ask for help and I want to allow myself to be vulnerable with those who are close to me.

Kevin:

So I think I've got a resentment against aging. Okay. That's very creative, Kevin. I find myself looking at friends, or maybe not friends, and going, oh yeah, your posture. I'm beginning to get that little slouch, and then I'll go home and I'll walk up and down in front of a mirror to see. You know, it's just crazy. Crazy. And then I see what I'm doing and go, oh, you know. Go and do some exercise or cook yourself a meal or something. Yeah. Yeah. It's just one of those things, isn't it?

Jeannene:

It is. It sounds like a personal thing, that, of note. Yeah. And I think, hopefully, this topic is something that, um, as you're thinking about it, that you can consider, am I resentful of? People, topics, relationships,

Kevin:

people, places and things,

Jeannene:

people, places and things. Yeah. Let's just sum it up like that. Yeah.

Kevin:

I think it's worth noting, I think I already said it, but the power of actually verbalizing it or writing it down, I think maybe verbalizing it is more powerful. It takes its power away.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Yeah. So if you don't, if you don't get to resolve it, if I don't get to resolve whatever the resentment is, at least it takes its power away. And it takes, while it takes its power away, I'm able to do something about not living with that resentment again. Yeah.

Jeannene:

Sounds great.

Kevin:

You mentioned some of the things, like What part do I play in doing this? You know, is this something that recurs? All those sorts of questions. If so, you know, what action can I take?

Jeannene:

So choose someone, confess what's going on for you, any resentments that you might have. Get the little ones out so that they don't fester and recover and look after your body people.

Kevin:

Yeah. And they don't need to be. Thank you. So much a confession as you could find someone to witness, they can be a witness. I like that. I like that. Yeah. My friend told me that a long time ago. It's just being a witness.

Jeannene:

Yeah.

Kevin:

Oh,

Jeannene:

great. Okay. Oh, well, we hopefully we've given the listeners some things to think about. Well, yeah,

Kevin:

they might get resentful.

Jeannene:

We've given them some topics to be resentful about.

Kevin:

We've also given them some.

Jeannene:

I didn't even think of that.

Kevin:

Possible solutions. Hopefully. For those

Jeannene:

resentments. Hopefully.

Kevin:

Yeah. Alright.

Jeannene:

Go well, people. Thanks for listening, as usual.

Kevin:

And Janine, have a wonderful time on Safari.

Jeannene:

Thank you. I know you think that about me and my trip that I'm going on. So thanks, Kevin. Yeah. I'm gonna do that. I can't wait. Think

Kevin:

what? Resentful?

Jeannene:

No, you want me to have a good time and you're really looking forward, you've helped me. Kevin has really helped me with my camera equipment. Well not

Kevin:

really, we stuffed it up between us but anyway, we fixed it.

Jeannene:

And that's the way you do relationships. Yeah,

Kevin:

it's messy.

Jeannene:

It's messy, but hopefully fun, messy and above all things safe.

Kevin:

We won't be able to show. everyone your pictures because we don't do that but anyway

Jeannene:

oh we do we can we can we can some but not

Kevin:

here we can on instagram i don't think they want

Jeannene:

to see thousands of my pictures of

Kevin:

one or two

Jeannene:

africa maybe we'll see how we go we'll see how we go people

Kevin:

i think you should

Jeannene:

oh well let's have a discussion around that because i don't want to be resentful

Kevin:

Okay.

Jeannene:

Oh, are you getting resentful towards me?

Kevin:

No, not yet, but I could.

Jeannene:

Not yet?

Kevin:

Not yet.

Jeannene:

Oh, that's hopeful.

Kevin:

Be quiet.

Jeannene:

I'm Just for that I'm going to speak up.

Kevin:

Of course you are. All right, that's it done. Finished. Let's go.

Jeannene:

Something like that.

Kevin:

All right. Thank you. That was good. I enjoyed this.

Jeannene:

Until next time. Yeah, I did too actually.

Kevin:

Oh,

Jeannene:

oh,

Kevin:

can I

Jeannene:

just

Kevin:

say one more thing, which is the larger needs away, we've probably got enough pre recorded, but I might be doing a special. Mistakes we've made, or bits and pieces from previous

Jeannene:

I'm not responsible for it, Pete. Well, you are. Because we

Kevin:

would have done it. I'm putting it together and editing it. So, yeah. But I might not do it. I might.

Jeannene:

We'll

Kevin:

see. Have some

Jeannene:

fun

Kevin:

with that, Kevin.

Jeannene:

Alright. Yep. Bye.

Kevin:

Bye. Enjoy. I

Jeannene:

have

to stop it, don't I? Bye.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Jeannene

Host
Head Shot

Kevin

Host